Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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