He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
