You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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