birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
