you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
