i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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