its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
false alarm, still single
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