I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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