Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Found your dick twin last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
