No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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