i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
