I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
