dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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