I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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