anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
