i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
