Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
