I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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