After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
