just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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