PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
