then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I look better un-naked...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
