Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
