Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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