she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
