walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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