I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's shark week go big or go home
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
