If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
