You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
