At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
