You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
