I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
