Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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