but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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