She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
