the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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