Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
