Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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