you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
