Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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