You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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