I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
