I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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