I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
