I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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