Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
