If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
