Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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