im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
