You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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