we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
