she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
