My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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